I'm back! Possibly in a slightly better frame of mind but not altogether and I am choosing to use this as a platform to whine at the moment with a little light relief in between.
This is a time of life when you should be starting to think about buckets lists (no I am not dying - well yes I am - we all are but you know what I mean) because lets face it getting the stuff done on your bucket list can take years and years. I have ticked off a lot on mine but nothing of late. Seen Victoria Falls in all her glory, the Great Barrier Reef , the Pyramids (a little disappointing). I have even swam with dolphins (on my own and not on an organised trip) ...... but still so much to do.
But back to 'time of life', generally it should be just be about winding down and my life seems to be going in completely the opposite direction and no I am not frantically busy. My financial situation seems to dominate everything I do and think about, from the positive to the negative and it always comes back to the same thing........or person... my long suffering DH. In a positive light, I really believe that being comfortable financially did not bring out the best in me and in fact I believe it doesn't bring out the best in anyone. But at the same time I am tired yes really tired of not being able to buy my teens things regularly, take my daughter out for the day....and heaven forbid even a day at a spa. I was talking to a friend at a bbq last weekend about clothes and happened to mention that I felt like a blast from the past and she immediately commented that we should go shopping to the city for a day and get me all sorted! It didn't occur to her for a moment that I may not have a few £100 to blow on myself. But I need to add here that the 'friend' I was speaking to is my age, never lived in another village her whole life, her only child attends the same school that she and her husband attended. He is still in his first job and she in her second!! Nicer people you couldn't wish to meet but I am grateful for my experiences and I know that I will always be on the move and change is disruptive and so contributes to my insecurities (I suppose).
So bottom line, when there is disharmony in my house it ALWAYS involves money! I panic and fly off the handle without even thinking and bring up the past within split seconds and the pain all comes back and I can't forgive because I clearly cannot forget.