Update

Firstly, thank you to all my friends out there, gosh I feel so overcome by emotion to think that the people that sometimes feel like my nearest and dearest are so far away (and some of you I haven't even met).

Why is it that some people understand you with your lumps and bumps warts and all as they say.  Girls I am feeling the love.

My Mums condition has not really deteriorated any further although she had been hoping to be discharged and come home (her home) but due to various elements that have to be put into place oxygen being one of them she hasn't been allowed which has distressed her somewhat.

The family situation has gone from bad to worse and for the life of me it really looks like it's me and I just want to stand up and scream and shout and say FFS listen to me and yourselves.   


My brother flew in from Australia with his wife (OMG doesn't that just look dandy - flying in) ok this is the part where you tell me if I am just a bitch ...it doesn't 'impress' me.  He is the blue eyed boy and his wife the daughter my Mum didn't get..... and they left this country, five years ago to seek greener pastures in Australia (which they dislike) and left their ailing and elderly mother behind with an equally ailing partner whom we all know passed away from Parkinson's 2 years ago and I was the one left here to nurse him and support my mother.   Back to Andrew flying in.... flying in means you can afford it to me and if he couldn't and I am not entirely sure he did pay my mother would have paid for him to fly in - no big deal, he has ample leave available to him and quite frankly to me....the least he can do.  The problems have been escalated by his attitude.  He is here to 'project manage' the situation for 2 weeks and then f.... off and leave it to my other brother and myself.  

It started off with him not telling me he was coming.  He then called a meeting (on my work day) with the occupational therapist, my Mums ward nurse, my other brother and myself.  The therapist CLEARLY explained what level of care my Mum would need if she was discharged and both my brothers were yes, yes, no problem 24/7 yes, yes we can wipe her bum and bed bath - no problem - she's my Mum.   I sat looking like the bitch because I said that I was not comfortable with wiping bums and sorry I am not.  Should the situation arise and my Mum calls me and that is what I would have to do then I am sure I would rise to the challenge.  Just don't ask me here and now if that's what I can and will do.   Fast forward 2 days!  yes just 2 days!  my Mum is still in hospital, no bums have been wiped, no drooling, no vomiting, no cleaning commodes yet... and 2 days later I get a call from the blue eyed boy to ask me/tell me that I will be expected to do Thursday nights and as many days as possible with my job.  You know if my Mum asked me to look after her on a Thursday night and hey even every night for the rest of her days - no problem...but not my 'fly in to manage the situation brother'.   My older brother swore blind in the meeting that he would do nights - no problem.  We don't speak at all and now suddenly I am expected to consider that he would like to spend a night a week with his wife - 4 words -  I give a shit!  What I am not putting across clearly here though is that the therapist, the ward nurse and the matron DO NOT feel that my Mum should be discharged into the care of her family  and I agree. Therefore by my agreeing with them I look like the heartless bitch that I am. Hospice is where my Mum belongs and anyone that is thinking clearly can see that.  She is completely bed ridden, incontinent and not eating more than a teaspoon of food at a sitting.

Phew sorry for all this girls, but I had to tell someone.

Where has the time gone

Seriously I cant believe I have not been to this site in 6 months.  As I often used my blog to whinge about stuff this could be seen as a positive. 

So much has happened in my life in the last 6 months where should I start.

Let me start with why I stopped in here today... my dear friend Mel drove me here.

I have just found out that my Mum is really really ill, she has stage IV cancer, stomach, ovaries, gallbladder, lungs hell everywhere. The poor soul has been on so many pain killers for her arthritis that they must have somehow (I have assuming here) masked the pain although whenever I asked her how she was she would always reply with a 'not too bad today' or 'really feeling bad today'.  I of course took this to mean her hips which are bad.  What the hell the G.P.  was thinking I have no idea - that's for another day but right now I have been told we will be lucky if she makes Christmas.

She has been in hospital for nearly 2 weeks and I not sure when she is likely to be sent home, as she lives alone we will need to get in help.

Coming from the happy close knit family that I do -NOT!  the fireworks have already kicked off.  But taking my Mum to the hospital I did the right thing and contacted my brothers, their grown up children, my son in SA and her late partners son too.  I booked her in with my contact details as I would expect myself to be her next of kin again NOT my older brother is - yes the one I don't speak to or is that he doesn't speak to me either way I prefer not to share space with him. Long story short I felt really kicked in the stomach when I found out at the hospital on Wednesday of her condition, my brother had been informed (the day before) but chose not to contact me or my DH to let us know the circumstances.  I was then told by my Mum that these were her wishes and that he was her next of kin. 

Deep down I knew that my Mum was not well, she is after all also 81 and has lived a very full and interesting life but has been dogged by arthritis for at least 10 years now and bouts of other ill health.  She certainly hasn't lost her sense of humour though, when I booked her in the other morning she said to me 'I haven't been feeling myself for sometime now - not that I spend a lot of time feeling myself'.  LOL. 

I am feeling really gutted though that she has chosen not to spend much of this time with myself and my little family.  My kids both adore her but won't spend time with her if my brother is around - they have very very good reason.  I have accepted though that maybe she just feels more comfortable with him, she has always seen me as 'too organised' , things have to be 'too perfect' for her liking.  Yes this is true - I see myself as the 'Martha Stewart' of the family, I like to celebrate occasions - she doesn't, at Christmas time she may haul out a plastic electric 15cm tree if we are lucky. She didnt wish me happy birthday for my recent 50th birthday - strange actually she is not normally that dismissive (again this could be something to do with my brother).    Domestic Goddess - NOT sorry does this seem all too trivial now?  These are the things that are going through my mind, her lack of acceptance of me and my beliefs etc.  she loves to throw in a 'I wish they would get this badger cull started' type of comment regularly just to get me going.  And at the same time I am thinking about how generous she is - how I have never really gone without because I could turn to her at any time and she would be there.  How she insisted on paying for Erin's prom dress and how she wanted it to be the best - yet she wont buy herself her favourite magazine because its just a waste of money.

Everyone has to die we all know that, I think this is going to be really hard.

More Random Stuff!

Just got back from having a routine mammogram, it was my first personal experience of the NHS hospitals, wow, appointment at 2.15 - seen at 2.15 and out in 10 minutes.  So can't complain at all and the staff were friendly  which is something that I notice straight away because it is not necessarily a given in these parts and the equipment quite clearly the latest there is.    And as we are talking boobs I have discovered that I can hold a pencil under mine if my arms are at my sides, if I breath in and hold up my arms and tilt back slightly it falls out!  Amazing what you can do at 49!

On the subject of age, a guy phoned into the office last week, spoke to me and said 'I spoke to someone last week - a younger woman' - what the....... couldn't he just of said someone with a different accent?   And he was expecting me to be attentive after that - not!

Both of my teens have had a good dabble with alcohol this weekend.  Scott went out on Saturday night and spent most of the evening puking but more concerning...my little Penny Pie slept out at a good friends house last night,  she came home fairly early this morning as she had some holiday revision classes to attend at school ( they are on holiday for 2 weeks)  I was still in bed as was DH and she immediately sat down and told us what she had done - drank lots and lots of beer!  I managed to stay completely calm even though I was terribly concerned.  But what can you do other than educate them on the dangers of their behaviour?  The friends Mum was there? Should I speak to her?  not sure Penny's relationship with her friend could withstand that...it is after all normal behaviour to a lot of people in this country and that would open a can of 'class rules' which I would hate to get into a debate about.

I am not sure if I mentioned on my blog that I am studying Sociology, yep even down for my first exams in June, I will be writing them at the local high school as a private candidate.  I am thoroughly enjoying the subject matter but the past exam papers I have are way out of my league so I have got quite a bit of work to do before June, fortunately my job is quiet in the afternoons so I get to put in a good hour or two. 

Summer is around the corner, our little town is looking at its best, daffs everywhere you look and we have even had a few days of blue skies....not sure I am 'feeling' it just yet though. 

 

Random

I'm back!  Possibly in a slightly better frame of mind but not altogether and I am choosing to use this as a platform to whine at the moment with a little light relief in between.

This is a time of life when you should be starting to think about buckets lists (no I am not dying - well yes I am - we all are but you know what I mean) because lets face it getting the stuff done on your bucket list can take years and years.  I have ticked off a lot on mine but nothing of late.  Seen Victoria Falls in all her glory, the Great Barrier Reef , the Pyramids (a little disappointing).  I have even swam with dolphins (on my own and not on an organised trip) ...... but still so much to do.

But back to 'time of life', generally it should be just be about winding down and my life seems to be going in completely the opposite direction and no I am not frantically busy.  My financial situation seems to dominate everything I do and think about, from the positive to the negative and it always comes back to the same thing........or person... my long suffering DH.  In a positive light, I really believe that being comfortable financially did not bring out the best in me and in fact I believe it doesn't bring out the best in anyone.  But at the same time I am tired yes really tired of not being able to buy my teens things regularly, take my daughter out for the day....and heaven forbid even a day at a spa.  I was talking to a friend at a bbq last weekend about clothes and happened to mention that I felt like a blast from the past and she immediately commented that we should go shopping to the city for a day and get me all sorted!  It didn't occur to her for a moment that I may not have a few £100 to blow on myself.  But I need to add here that the 'friend' I was speaking to is my age, never lived in another village her whole life, her only child attends the same school that she and her husband attended.  He is still in his first job and she in her second!! Nicer people you couldn't wish to meet but I am grateful for my experiences and I know that I will always be on the move and change is disruptive and so contributes to my insecurities (I suppose).

 So bottom line, when there is disharmony in my house it ALWAYS involves money! I panic and fly off the handle without even thinking and bring up the past within split seconds and the pain all comes back and I can't forgive because I clearly cannot forget.

When something is broken, torn, worn out you replace it right?  Or do you fix it? 

From experience I have found that you can fix a lot of things, sometimes things are better when they are fixed rather than just rushing out and getting a new one.  There is the excitement (of course) with getting a new one.    But  old ones can have character which you may not find in the new one, a sense of 'knowing' and feeling a certain amount of comfort with the old one.

The new one could breakdown, tear, wear out even earlier than the old one?  The new one could cost you a lot more money that the original cost you or it could turn out to be a whole lot more economical.   The older broken one is going to cost you to fix it though, and then who knows it could breakdown again?  

If it has broken before how can you trust it not to tear, wear out again?  Just when you need to know that you can rely on it, it may break again.

Often the new ones smell better though?

Whats occuring?

Just a quick list of what is happening at the moment in my life as I don't seem to be able to find the energy to ponder over how to write anything or what to say etc.

• My new job is going well as I said it is not terribly challenging but it's fun and I deal with people that are in a happy place in their lives ie they are getting married. The office is based at the old 2nd world war American Airforce base which has now become a little British Hollywood.  Across the way is the hanger and studio of Top Gear and Hammonds other kiddie programme.  John Cusack was cruising around all of December as he was working on a movie.  There are at least 5 studios here and who knows what goes on behind the hanger doors. 
• I am feeling a lot better than when I posted my last post - thank God.  I am now more convinced than ever that it is a light issue because the cold does not bother me,  indoors I am boiling and outdoors I dress warmly and it is rather refreshing.
• Erin has decided to take school a lot more seriously and has decided to knuckle down as she wants to go to university - first step - get through her GCSE's and then her A Levels.
• Scott has been accepted at all 5 unis that he applied for.  Smart arse!
• I love my teens dearly but they mess up my house and use up all my money.
• Big news - I am now studying Sociology - omg what was I thinking?
• I can go all day at work without seeing another soul! unless I look out of the window and even then it's not guaranteed.
• It's time that I reveal that I have lost at least 10kgs in the last 7 months.  I would like to lose another 7.... but then I would become even more vain and that would not be a good thing.
• I could definitely handle a grandchild in my life and I don't have any space for a puppy.  Erin don't get any ideas.
•  Forgot to mention - I only work 2 1/2 days a week.  Quite cool as I have the best of both worlds, I work but I have a 4 day weekends.

Bleak

Bleak is not the word for it.... dreadful!  I remember my blogger friend Andrea writing about her 2nd year in the country and it being 'tough'.  Well we have been here 2 years now and I am finding a lot of things - bleak and I know I have said it before at this time of the year, I feel that I may really suffer with this seasonal dysfunctional stuff that I have heard about.  I have felt a little homesick but nothing a quick chat to Mel doesn't sort out - is that a good thing or a bad thing?  She is my connection dare I say my anchor and without her I would be lost.  See I told you I was feeling bleak.  But there is so much good around me which in turn makes me feel ungrateful.  A loving husband that is trying really hard to be everything and more, healthy kids with attitude!  a new job (a bit boring and all that - but a job) a roof over my head!  See ungrateful!


I finished a Nicholas Sparks book today on my beloved kindle the best of me - for goodness sake I could have written the ending it was so predictable and I ended up sobbing about how 'sweet' it was.


Feel free to send me a klap!