Seriously I cant believe I have not been to this site in 6 months. As I often used my blog to whinge about stuff this could be seen as a positive.
So much has happened in my life in the last 6 months where should I start.
Let me start with why I stopped in here today... my dear friend Mel drove me here.
I have just found out that my Mum is really really ill, she has stage IV cancer, stomach, ovaries, gallbladder, lungs hell everywhere. The poor soul has been on so many pain killers for her arthritis that they must have somehow (I have assuming here) masked the pain although whenever I asked her how she was she would always reply with a 'not too bad today' or 'really feeling bad today'. I of course took this to mean her hips which are bad. What the hell the G.P. was thinking I have no idea - that's for another day but right now I have been told we will be lucky if she makes Christmas.
She has been in hospital for nearly 2 weeks and I not sure when she is likely to be sent home, as she lives alone we will need to get in help.
Coming from the happy close knit family that I do -NOT! the fireworks have already kicked off. But taking my Mum to the hospital I did the right thing and contacted my brothers, their grown up children, my son in SA and her late partners son too. I booked her in with my contact details as I would expect myself to be her next of kin again NOT my older brother is - yes the one I don't speak to or is that he doesn't speak to me either way I prefer not to share space with him. Long story short I felt really kicked in the stomach when I found out at the hospital on Wednesday of her condition, my brother had been informed (the day before) but chose not to contact me or my DH to let us know the circumstances. I was then told by my Mum that these were her wishes and that he was her next of kin.
Deep down I knew that my Mum was not well, she is after all also 81 and has lived a very full and interesting life but has been dogged by arthritis for at least 10 years now and bouts of other ill health. She certainly hasn't lost her sense of humour though, when I booked her in the other morning she said to me 'I haven't been feeling myself for sometime now - not that I spend a lot of time feeling myself'. LOL.
I am feeling really gutted though that she has chosen not to spend much of this time with myself and my little family. My kids both adore her but won't spend time with her if my brother is around - they have very very good reason. I have accepted though that maybe she just feels more comfortable with him, she has always seen me as 'too organised' , things have to be 'too perfect' for her liking. Yes this is true - I see myself as the 'Martha Stewart' of the family, I like to celebrate occasions - she doesn't, at Christmas time she may haul out a plastic electric 15cm tree if we are lucky. She didnt wish me happy birthday for my recent 50th birthday - strange actually she is not normally that dismissive (again this could be something to do with my brother). Domestic Goddess - NOT sorry does this seem all too trivial now? These are the things that are going through my mind, her lack of acceptance of me and my beliefs etc. she loves to throw in a 'I wish they would get this badger cull started' type of comment regularly just to get me going. And at the same time I am thinking about how generous she is - how I have never really gone without because I could turn to her at any time and she would be there. How she insisted on paying for Erin's prom dress and how she wanted it to be the best - yet she wont buy herself her favourite magazine because its just a waste of money.
Everyone has to die we all know that, I think this is going to be really hard.