Friday, 12 October 2012

Where has the time gone

Seriously I cant believe I have not been to this site in 6 months.  As I often used my blog to whinge about stuff this could be seen as a positive. 

So much has happened in my life in the last 6 months where should I start.

Let me start with why I stopped in here today... my dear friend Mel drove me here.

I have just found out that my Mum is really really ill, she has stage IV cancer, stomach, ovaries, gallbladder, lungs hell everywhere. The poor soul has been on so many pain killers for her arthritis that they must have somehow (I have assuming here) masked the pain although whenever I asked her how she was she would always reply with a 'not too bad today' or 'really feeling bad today'.  I of course took this to mean her hips which are bad.  What the hell the G.P.  was thinking I have no idea - that's for another day but right now I have been told we will be lucky if she makes Christmas.

She has been in hospital for nearly 2 weeks and I not sure when she is likely to be sent home, as she lives alone we will need to get in help.

Coming from the happy close knit family that I do -NOT!  the fireworks have already kicked off.  But taking my Mum to the hospital I did the right thing and contacted my brothers, their grown up children, my son in SA and her late partners son too.  I booked her in with my contact details as I would expect myself to be her next of kin again NOT my older brother is - yes the one I don't speak to or is that he doesn't speak to me either way I prefer not to share space with him. Long story short I felt really kicked in the stomach when I found out at the hospital on Wednesday of her condition, my brother had been informed (the day before) but chose not to contact me or my DH to let us know the circumstances.  I was then told by my Mum that these were her wishes and that he was her next of kin. 

Deep down I knew that my Mum was not well, she is after all also 81 and has lived a very full and interesting life but has been dogged by arthritis for at least 10 years now and bouts of other ill health.  She certainly hasn't lost her sense of humour though, when I booked her in the other morning she said to me 'I haven't been feeling myself for sometime now - not that I spend a lot of time feeling myself'.  LOL. 

I am feeling really gutted though that she has chosen not to spend much of this time with myself and my little family.  My kids both adore her but won't spend time with her if my brother is around - they have very very good reason.  I have accepted though that maybe she just feels more comfortable with him, she has always seen me as 'too organised' , things have to be 'too perfect' for her liking.  Yes this is true - I see myself as the 'Martha Stewart' of the family, I like to celebrate occasions - she doesn't, at Christmas time she may haul out a plastic electric 15cm tree if we are lucky. She didnt wish me happy birthday for my recent 50th birthday - strange actually she is not normally that dismissive (again this could be something to do with my brother).    Domestic Goddess - NOT sorry does this seem all too trivial now?  These are the things that are going through my mind, her lack of acceptance of me and my beliefs etc.  she loves to throw in a 'I wish they would get this badger cull started' type of comment regularly just to get me going.  And at the same time I am thinking about how generous she is - how I have never really gone without because I could turn to her at any time and she would be there.  How she insisted on paying for Erin's prom dress and how she wanted it to be the best - yet she wont buy herself her favourite magazine because its just a waste of money.

Everyone has to die we all know that, I think this is going to be really hard.


  1. My heart breaks. Our moms are the keepers of our childhoods, the ones who know us better than anyone. As you say, everyone passes but it never eases the pain of the loss. Hugs across the miles my friend.


  2. Ahh, Jo, yes, none of it makes sense. Your feels are going to be a whirlwind of note over the next few months that is for sure. All big life events, births, marriages, divorces, deaths tend to bring out a family's "interesting" side! I could make you laugh your butt off about the things that went on around the time my dad passed away in 2010. Wishing you strength! If you want to natter - call me - you have my number!

  3. *Feels* was supposed to be *feelings*

  4. I am so sorry! The big C is just awful... No matter what age it strikes. For her sake, and yours, I hope she is spared a prolonged and agonizing end :(. Wishing you much strength in the coming weeks and months.... Say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done. Don't let her go with any regrets x x x

  5. Firstly, I was so happy to see that you were blogging again, albeit about something so sad. I went through a lot of these emotions when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer last year. It is sad...and often we don't know the why's of so many thing. Sending you a big hug and encouraging you to spend as much time as possible with her these last few months. Let there be no unfinished business at the end.


  6. Hi guys thanks for the support and comments. Just one thing..... I am wondering what you mean really in terms of say what has to be said. This worries me as when she upsets me with a comment such as this on saturday....I couldnt hear her properly and it was something quite simple when I 'got' it she said 'you know you think you are clever - but actually you are not'. She said it really loudly and my kids were also a bit shocked. I just smiled but it made me feel so 'stupid' should I not take issue with this. Its not worth it but that will mean things are going to be left unsaid.

  7. Gosh Jo!
    Such a traumatic time - and then to have to cope with family entanglements at the same time?
    Just horrible!
    I think I'll email you rather, kiddo
    Big hugs and lots of love

  8. This is really shocking news! I'm so, so sorry for you and your mother, as you both have some very difficult times ahead. I wish I could give you a great big hug. :-(

    Jo, I almost started to cry as I read this post, as I can really relate to the tornado of emotions you're experiencing now. My relationship with my parents and siblings is also extremely complicated and has always been a source of confusion, insecurity, and frustration for me, as well as those deep feelings of love and eternal hope that one day we might all just get along. I think maybe if you and your mother aren't used to having heartfelt conversations, you probably shouldn't expect that will happen now, even at this incredibly important time. Is it easy for you to tell her you love her? Maybe you could tell her what you told us in this post, that you appreciate how she's been there for you and how comforting that's always been for you, and that you'd like to be there for her now. I also think it's okay for you to be honest the next time she makes a strange little comment like that one about you not being clever (WTF?) that it really hurts your feelings. But maybe don't expect too awfully much, and then it won't feel so overwhelming. Ask her what she wants, what you can do, and listen to her. And tell her you love her. Because you do.

    I'm thinking of you a ton. xxoo