Random

I'm back!  Possibly in a slightly better frame of mind but not altogether and I am choosing to use this as a platform to whine at the moment with a little light relief in between.

This is a time of life when you should be starting to think about buckets lists (no I am not dying - well yes I am - we all are but you know what I mean) because lets face it getting the stuff done on your bucket list can take years and years.  I have ticked off a lot on mine but nothing of late.  Seen Victoria Falls in all her glory, the Great Barrier Reef , the Pyramids (a little disappointing).  I have even swam with dolphins (on my own and not on an organised trip) ...... but still so much to do.

But back to 'time of life', generally it should be just be about winding down and my life seems to be going in completely the opposite direction and no I am not frantically busy.  My financial situation seems to dominate everything I do and think about, from the positive to the negative and it always comes back to the same thing........or person... my long suffering DH.  In a positive light, I really believe that being comfortable financially did not bring out the best in me and in fact I believe it doesn't bring out the best in anyone.  But at the same time I am tired yes really tired of not being able to buy my teens things regularly, take my daughter out for the day....and heaven forbid even a day at a spa.  I was talking to a friend at a bbq last weekend about clothes and happened to mention that I felt like a blast from the past and she immediately commented that we should go shopping to the city for a day and get me all sorted!  It didn't occur to her for a moment that I may not have a few £100 to blow on myself.  But I need to add here that the 'friend' I was speaking to is my age, never lived in another village her whole life, her only child attends the same school that she and her husband attended.  He is still in his first job and she in her second!! Nicer people you couldn't wish to meet but I am grateful for my experiences and I know that I will always be on the move and change is disruptive and so contributes to my insecurities (I suppose).

 So bottom line, when there is disharmony in my house it ALWAYS involves money! I panic and fly off the handle without even thinking and bring up the past within split seconds and the pain all comes back and I can't forgive because I clearly cannot forget.

When something is broken, torn, worn out you replace it right?  Or do you fix it? 

From experience I have found that you can fix a lot of things, sometimes things are better when they are fixed rather than just rushing out and getting a new one.  There is the excitement (of course) with getting a new one.    But  old ones can have character which you may not find in the new one, a sense of 'knowing' and feeling a certain amount of comfort with the old one.

The new one could breakdown, tear, wear out even earlier than the old one?  The new one could cost you a lot more money that the original cost you or it could turn out to be a whole lot more economical.   The older broken one is going to cost you to fix it though, and then who knows it could breakdown again?  

If it has broken before how can you trust it not to tear, wear out again?  Just when you need to know that you can rely on it, it may break again.

Often the new ones smell better though?

Whats occuring?

Just a quick list of what is happening at the moment in my life as I don't seem to be able to find the energy to ponder over how to write anything or what to say etc.

• My new job is going well as I said it is not terribly challenging but it's fun and I deal with people that are in a happy place in their lives ie they are getting married. The office is based at the old 2nd world war American Airforce base which has now become a little British Hollywood.  Across the way is the hanger and studio of Top Gear and Hammonds other kiddie programme.  John Cusack was cruising around all of December as he was working on a movie.  There are at least 5 studios here and who knows what goes on behind the hanger doors. 
• I am feeling a lot better than when I posted my last post - thank God.  I am now more convinced than ever that it is a light issue because the cold does not bother me,  indoors I am boiling and outdoors I dress warmly and it is rather refreshing.
• Erin has decided to take school a lot more seriously and has decided to knuckle down as she wants to go to university - first step - get through her GCSE's and then her A Levels.
• Scott has been accepted at all 5 unis that he applied for.  Smart arse!
• I love my teens dearly but they mess up my house and use up all my money.
• Big news - I am now studying Sociology - omg what was I thinking?
• I can go all day at work without seeing another soul! unless I look out of the window and even then it's not guaranteed.
• It's time that I reveal that I have lost at least 10kgs in the last 7 months.  I would like to lose another 7.... but then I would become even more vain and that would not be a good thing.
• I could definitely handle a grandchild in my life and I don't have any space for a puppy.  Erin don't get any ideas.
•  Forgot to mention - I only work 2 1/2 days a week.  Quite cool as I have the best of both worlds, I work but I have a 4 day weekends.

Bleak

Bleak is not the word for it.... dreadful!  I remember my blogger friend Andrea writing about her 2nd year in the country and it being 'tough'.  Well we have been here 2 years now and I am finding a lot of things - bleak and I know I have said it before at this time of the year, I feel that I may really suffer with this seasonal dysfunctional stuff that I have heard about.  I have felt a little homesick but nothing a quick chat to Mel doesn't sort out - is that a good thing or a bad thing?  She is my connection dare I say my anchor and without her I would be lost.  See I told you I was feeling bleak.  But there is so much good around me which in turn makes me feel ungrateful.  A loving husband that is trying really hard to be everything and more, healthy kids with attitude!  a new job (a bit boring and all that - but a job) a roof over my head!  See ungrateful!


I finished a Nicholas Sparks book today on my beloved kindle the best of me - for goodness sake I could have written the ending it was so predictable and I ended up sobbing about how 'sweet' it was.


Feel free to send me a klap!

Christmas

I have had a lovely Christmas this year - who knew that I would get to spend it with my Mum, brother and sil, and 1 niece, 2 nephews and my two of course, the only one missing for me was Devin. 


I cooked a full on dinner which turned out perfectly if I say so myself (never quite worked out why people say turkey is dry??) 


I received some beautiful presents from DH and the kids, but I still don't feel that happy about where we stand financially :( I can write that can't I?   I am kinda over telling myself that Christmas is not about the presents for me is still is important and I get so much pleasure from giving that obviously I am a bit down when I can't give what I would like to.

I start a new 2 1/2 day job in January - a sort of brain dead admin job but I took it because that is how I have been feeling - brain dead and it could develop into something more one day.  I am also working for a charity as a project manager  - not so brain dead which could also develop into a half week position but at this stage its pro bono so that won't be satisfying my financial requirements just yet.

Saturday Afternoon

I haven't been blogging lately purely because I have nothing to say but for my friends out there who really want to know what I am doing day to day I thought I try a little harder to just 'blog' stuff around me and if its boring so be it.


I attempted to get my act together today after spending way too much time lately doing NOTHING I suppose  I am actually depressed although I don't particular show it at least I don't think I do and being on anti-depressants permanently sure takes the edge off.  I know I am feeling better about things when I head for the kitchen.....


I made a delicious cauliflower soup, something that would not grab me normally.  DH was seriously impressed and reckoned it was right up there with my butternut soup.

So we sat decadently eating this cauliflower soup with crusty organic bread for lunch. If any of you would like the recipe it is from this book... or inbox me and I will send it to you.

Delectable by Marlene van der Westhuizen, the recipes are so easy, have very few ingredients but have a sort of elegance about them.  The book is worth buying just for the pictures of the authors house in France.

The last born!

I took E out to do some clothes shopping on the weekend and these pics are a result of the ensuing fashion show.  What a difference, she looked so grown up and elegant, she is so incredibly graceful it is like having a gazelle around.  


Please note the brogues oh and of course the ironing in the back ground ;)


We also had E's parents evening last week at school and again we were pleasantly surprised at how well she is doing with a B predicted for Spanish and a C for French at the end of her GCSE's she should go on to do her A levels.  She is still struggling a little with anxiety so we are seeing a therapist tomorrow for a alternative type of therapy so fingers crossed.